Please note: This page was written whilst I was working in Korea from mid 2004 to mid 2005. Although I recently returned, I haven't added anything extra as of yet. Keep your eyes peeled though, or less painfully, you can check the What's New section to see when stuff is added. Click HERE to skip directly to the Blog entries below… Well it seems that practically everyman and his cat has a Blog so I thought I'd jump on that bandwagon and see where it takes me. Now I'm totally aware that whilst there are a lot of people who write Blogs, the number of people who actually read the damn things is limited to a few dozen (globally). Personally I couldn't care less what some random bloke in Missouri ate for breakfast, but maybe some of my friends will read this. Maybe some of my friends will learn something interesting. Maybe some of my friends will want to become International Playboys too. Maybe some of my friends will form a plot on my life because I keep emailing them about my exploits. Life's so full of little uncertainties like that huh? Well, never to be daunted by the distinct odds of failure, I think I'll start one here and see if anyone actually bothers to read the damn thing. Gives me something to do other than watching bad Korean game shows whilst drinking neat gin. So at the bottom of this page is some general spiel about living in korea, what my apartment is like, and how teaching is going. Otherwise what follows is a blog of little anecdotes. Enjoy. Some of the entries might come across as bitching - because they are - but I'd like to make it clear that I actually like Korea and the people. It's just good to have a whinge now and again. I'm certainly not your average "angry foreigner" who just moans all the damn time about how it's different here from back home. Well duh - no shit Sherlock, just go home if you're so unhappy. If you really want to hear Waygooks mouth off about Korea, and generally bitch and moan, then I'd recommend visiting Dave's ESL cafe, where you'll find plenty to get your teeth into. That said, you'd be a weirdo not to find some things that bug you here. I think London bugged me more than Seoul does though, so that's certainly a good thing. Anyhow, let's get on with it then. Oh, and if you wanna ask a question, why not ask it HERE.

Wilson will listen to me I'm sure…   Scribblings from: - February '05 - January '05 - November '04 - October '04 - September '04 - August '04 - July '04 Spiel about… - Living in Korea - The apartment - Teaching

February '05:

Cross with care

Generally, Korean's are a law abiding bunch… Generally. Their behaviour depends though on what laws we are talking about. Traffic laws for example fit into the category of 'advice' rather than 'law' I think. Traffic lights are simply decoration; to be noted but otherwise ignored. I'm used to this as the same is true all over Asia, and in many European countries like Italy and Spain. What's interesting though is that as a pedestrian, Korean's obey red crossing lights like infringement is punishable by death. Even if the road is clear for miles around they simply will not jaywalk. Me being a decadent westerner of course couldn't give a toss about waiting for the little green man to get his act in gear, and naturally cross when the way is clear - causing gasps from my fellow Korean pedestrians. I find this contradiction interesting: Why is it when you're in a car you ignore the lights, yet whilst walking you steadfastly follow the rules? Back home I find the opposite is the case: to jaywalk is common, yet to run a red light is a seriously naughty thing to do!

December '04 to January '05:

Just so slack…

Okay so I haven't updated the website in like 3 months, but there's a reason: I'm lazy. I go through stages of really being into the website, and then getting bored. Additionally I discovered the joys of downloading buying PC games. May I recommend the following:   Far Cry - just brilliant fun; the baddies are seriously clever and run to get their friends if they spot you. They'll also sneak up on you, set ambushes, and generally outdo you at every turn. Great stuff!   Call of Duty + expansion pack - Best. War. Game. Ever. It's that simply - so realistic and full of adrenaline pumping FPS fun.   No One Lives Forever 2 - What a seriously amazing game! A FPS which is actually hilarious. Like a playable version of 'Austin Powers' but with slightly less nob gags. Cutscenes have never been so good.   Painkiller - there are times when you just need to blow thousands of mutant zombie thingies into steaming piles of gore. No really, you do. Cerebral? Er no… unless you count what flies out of the baddies craniums when you have the shotgun. Eeeeeexcellent.   Unreal tournament 2003/2004 - One word: Headshot. If painkiller is for gore, then this is for gore AND tactics. just brilliant and a very pretty game, even if my laptop struggles with high settings on Unreal 2004.   Syberia 2 - I thought I'd play something that didn't involve guns. This is a very pretty point 'n' click that keeps your brain wrangled. Nice.

November 2004:

I feel a disturbance in the force…

… Like a billion people slapping their foreheads and calling out "No!"

Yes it's time for a little rant! Now I know that there are literally millions of pages devoted to whether America's decision to re-elect Bush is a good or bad thing, and to be honest I am getting a bit tired of it all, but feel the need to throw in my $0.02 just for fun too. An additional point is that, luckily, I'm not an American, so it doesn't really matter what I think. Saying that though, as an international traveler, née The International Playboy, it does affect me as most people in foreign countries assume White=American. So what America does certainly affects me when I get harassed and called a Yank (it's happened to me and others) . So am I happy about Bush getting re-elected? Well of course not - as any self-respecting Pinko-Commy-Liberal like me wouldn't. It's terrible. The more important question is Why?

"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on … shame on you. It fool me. We can't get fooled again."  - George W. Bush

Is it because I disagree with Right-Wing Conservatism? Well yeah, I think they're Nut-Jobs - but that's not it - I accept that there's plenty of people who don't think like me and if there are more of them than people like me, then that's the fun part of democracy. Is it because I disagree with his foreign policies (Bomb everyone) Well of course, but that's not it either. No, the thing that really get's my goat, is how he's convinced a percentage of the American public stories that are simply bullshit - to hoodwink an entire nation (and others) with this propaganda crap that comes out of his office is a crime in my mind. Like what? How about:   "Saddam was involved with 9/11 and had WMD."     Oh just come on! You don't need to search far or even resort to a Michael Moore book to find information that Osama and Saddam pretty much hated each other! Saddam was a good old fashioned despot looking for money/power and Osama was/is an ideological fighter. I could believe the WMD was a screw-up, but the evidence looks fishy, and that the administration chose to ignore Intelligence worries and claim with 100% certainty that there were weapons (other than the ones sold by the US to Saddam under Daddy-Bush's reign).

Terrorists (read: Brown people with head scarves) are busily running around trying to kill you no matter where you live - even in towns like Bumfuck, Ohio.     Paranoiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!     "That any country has the right to police the World and impose their own views/religious ideals - Calling Team America!"     Well, let's be honest, ALL of the previous 60-odd empires before the USA did this, so who's to blame them? The U.S. is the most powerful country in the world at the moment and as such will use it's power. To be devil's advocate for a moment, if you compare the U.S. with the previous empires you'll see it's actually behaved itself rather well: England = Atrocities in, but not limited to:   - India;   - Africa;   - China;   - North America (who killed the Indians first? Well the pioneers were from the UK until American independence created a new country);   - Australia (again British people killed countless Aborigines before Australia became a country);   - er… and well pretty much over the whole world! France = Atrocities in Africa and Indochina. Spain = Good grief these guys were blood-thirsty buggers! Two words: South. America. Case closed. Germany = Don't get me started! Italy = "What have the Romans ever done for us?" Mongolia = The largest empire the planet has ever seen. They didn't manage that by handing out candy and flowers. You get the idea. Does this excuse America's naughtiness? No - but I think it puts it in perspective. Doesn't mean we should keep quiet though!     "That it's okay to sacrifice your own privacy for security."     All this Big Brother stuff concerns me. I know that even though then can spy on me, that they don't because it would be just so damn expensive. That said though, I've read enough history to know that it's not a good idea to lose civil liberties, for then they can silence any opposition easy. A slippery slope to a totalitarian state methinks. Now, where's my tin-foil hat?     "That all these wars (Afghanistan, Iraq, and coming soon to a cinema near you; Iran) are started for noble reasons like 'getting rid of naughty dictators' or 'installing peace'.     What crap - just admit it's for oil / money / geo-political power.   And let's just add a few generic Conservative views that wind me up too:     "Creationism is a science and should be taught as such."     "Women don't have the right to choose what they do with their bodies (i.e.: Abortion)"     "Homosexual couples can't get married and thus are screwed financially and have none of the rights that straight couples have." That'll do for the moment. I've calmed down a bit now… but I think I still need a little lie down. Now where's the Valium… ?

October 2004:

STFU!

Now generally the Koreans are a polite people…
Ha-Ha-Ha!!!! Oh I crack me up…

Okay, let me re-phrase that. Koreans will generally leave you alone in public because they are too nervous to bother talk to you. Sure the Adjumas will shove you, and kids might stare, but usually you'll be left to yourself. Usually. Things change though on the subway in the evenings when I come home from work. Let me give you an example; I'm standing at the end of the crowded carriage chatting to Leanne and Nikki, just minding our own business…

"Where are you from??" Belches a drunk guy in a suit. He's about 50, and smells like he's drunk his age in Soju bottles. "Er… I'm from…" "Shut Up!" He interrupts. Ahh… another friendly drunk Korean.

Was I doing anything wrong? Shouting? Laughing too loud? Mocking Koreans? Well maybe the last one, but really, we were not at fault. The drunk guy having said his piece usually gets back to his mumbling and leaves us alone, where we simply carry on our conversation. The "Random-question-then-told-to-shut-up" thing normally happens about once every two weeks, so what's causing this??

1. It's, well, ME.
	Well let's be honest here - this is a pretty likely cause. If it's common for my 'friends' to want me to shut up, then it hardly comes as a surprise that strangers might too… except that I've heard of this happening to other people too - many of them much more tolerable than me, so in this instance I think I can safely say that for once it's not my fault.
2. It's because they     think we're Americans.
	Maybe… but I don't think so. Why? Hmm… Well Koreans certainly aren't in love with America at the moment, but I get the feeling from my students and the Korean media that it's 'America' itself they dislike, rather than the people themselves. It's possible that occasionally you might get accused of being a Yank, but most of the Canadians I travel with are practically covered with Maple Leaves and other insignia that is specifically designed to scream "I'm not an American!" so I'm not convinced this is the route cause.
3. It's because were speaking     a strange language.
	This is the one my money is on. You see, if you're a Korean just sitting on the subway daydreaming away, then it's easy to ignore all the chatter around you (like how we can ignore the 'white noise' of people talking english in a pub or crowded place). But, when they hear English being spoken they simply cant ignore it because it stands out. This annoys them, and the drunk old geezer gets pissy and yells.
4. It's because they're Soju     soaked fools and/or nutters.
	Actually - this is the most likely reason!
5. They feel inferior because     they cant understand you.
	A student suggested this one to me. An interesting idea and pretty credible, even though it sounds a bit arrogant to me (to think that my speaking English is so special and should be seen as superior).
In the end it might be a combination of these, but whatever the cause I think of it as a bit of light relief on those long subway journeys. And if you can't beat 'em… Kampai!

Heidi Rulez!

At the start of each month I often get a new class with a whole new group of students that I haven't met before. So, to get everyone comfy, I ask them various unassuming questions to relax them (and to waste some of the lesson time). Something I often ask is; "If you could visit any country in the world, where would you go?" It's a common question, but the answer I get is, well, unexpected. Actually, where would you go? Italy? Barbados? Spain? Australia? Somewhere interesting right?

Well Koreans don't say these places, they choose… Switzerland. This one confuses me. Now don't get me wrong - I don't think there's anything wrong with Switzerland, it's a very nice place, it's just that, well, why? I find that at least 60% of my students will choose Switzerland as the #1 place to visit if they had the chance. Something funny's going on here…

	"But Teacher, it's a beautiful place with big Mountains."
	"Yeah, I agree, but so are many countries in the world - why Switzerland specifically?"
	"It's cheap to travel there…"
	"Really? - I found Switzerland to be pretty expensive. Haven't you ever bought a Toblerone at the airport? Chocolate aint cheap to make I guess"
	"It has a good standard of living…"
	"Nice phrase you learned there! Er… It's true that they're isn't any poverty there, but the thing that I don't understand is how you heard about the place. Do you know what they are famous for?"
	"Er…"
	"Come on, if so many of you want to go there, surely you know something more about the place?"
	"Heidi!"
	"That's right! Heidi is indeed Swiss, just like Yodeling, Cuckoo Clocks, Expensive chocolate that is near impossible to eat without impaling the roof of your mouth, and bank accounts for the Mafia and Enron Bosses."
	"Yodeling?"
	"Really - you don't want me to show you that one. My point is that Switzerland, although a perfectly nice place, is just a strange choice to make. It's like being offered the choice of owning any car in the world and choosing… a Nissan Micra."
God knows why they all choose Switzerland - my guess is there must have been an advertising campaign in the past and it somehow got into the Korean psyche that Switzerland was some sort of European Nirvana. I've asked various Koreans the "But WHY???" question and am still to receive a meaningful response.

File this one under "Huh?".

How to yodel - a guide

I'm all your's…

Korea is a generally Confucian society, so this means some things are a little strange here. Take for instance the following:   "With great power comes great responsibility"       Variously attributed to;        - Winston Churchill,        - Spiderman,        - George Bush Jnr. Now this is all very well and good for British Prime Ministers, Wannabe Superheroes who think they can solve the world's problems, and Spiderman, but what about the rest of us? Well here in Korea you can end up with a lot more than you bargained for quite easily. Say you're walking down the street and you see some old lady collapse in the street. Do you go over and help her, or just step over her? I'd like to think you'd help of course! (after relieving her of her wallet naturally). Well this might get you in trouble here. You see, according to Confucianism, if you save someone's life then you are responsible for them for the rest of your/their life. The upshot of this is that if the granny suddenly dies in front of you, then YOU are responsible and YOU have to pay / face charges! I shit you not. Hence the somewhat bastardly way Koreans treat the sick/homeless/fallen-over-grannies. I love this country more every day.

Morals are so pesky

Now let me admit this first: I'm a slacker. If I can find a way to do less work or avoid extra drudgery - I'm there. Seems logical to me. Okay, that's nice, but so what? Well here's the beef - What's the ideal number of students in a class? 5? 10? Nope: ZERO. If there are no students then I get to go home early, or at least faff around for an hour before my next class. Excellent. Now problems occur when you have the worst class size: ONE PERSON. One-on-one classes suck as you have to use a lot more energy and focus (no chance of pairing students off to chat amongst themselves, no opening the floor to discussion, and no avoiding the weird student that you'd rather not talk to). So here's the dilemma: There is an easy way to turn a bad situation (1 student) into a great one (0 students) - teach the one student in a really crap way and then they'll drop out of your class leaving you free to relax. Hmmm… Now although it's not as if us ESL teachers have a Hippocratic oath to teach to the best of our abilities, but it still feels a bit 'wrong' to intentionally teach badly. I've done it a couple of times by accident (I get grouchy at 6.30am sometimes) or sometimes single students drop out of their own accord as they hate the pressure of a one-on-one. The answer? Dunno really, maybe as I turn into a more hardened teacher I'll lose the last of my morals (I only have very few left anyhow) but so far it's a tricky one. Hmmm…

Where did that come from?

Sometimes a class will just turn to shit right in front of your eyes. It normally catches you when you're not paying attention: your previous lesson went great so you assume that the students will be fine today too, but for some reason they've all turned into morose mutes who just stare blankly at you when you ask a really simple question. I've learned that you have to catch this quick or it will quickly spiral into a nightmare: First they stop answering questions and just stare at you blankly. Then the class starts to feel embarrassed and more students will start staring at the book to avoid your questions. Suddenly you have a class of students who are all older than you, but whom are acting like 5 year olds, and you still have 50 minutes left get through. Arrrrghhh! I've learnt that you really need to catch this process early or you're in for a very very long lesson. It's always the 'good' classes too - crappy classes you know about so you go into them with guns blazing to keep it all going. If a class went well the previous time though, it makes you complacent and that's where fate will bite you on the ass (I've never figured out how a class can be an intelligent talkative group on week, and the next time act like scolded children. Strange).

Common sense isn't so common here

Koreans are not stupid. Let's get that straight. They've been around as a civilisation for thousands of years stuck next to three countries who aren't known for their friendliness and peace - yet tiny Korea still exists; an amazing feat. Dubya - does he have any Korean genes I wonder? The thing is though, although they may be just as smart as others as far as general intelligence goes, there's one thing they have simply none of: Common Sense. They have zero, zip, nada, none. The lot of them. I think they may have it surgically removed at a young age. Maybe it's the Confucianism, or a throw back to the ideals of conformity, but whatever the cause is, they are totally bereft of any common sense at all. Clearly I cant get away with such a sweeping accusation lightly. So here are some examples:

Before you start working in Korea, you have to make a trip to Japan to get your visa sorted out. Tina's school recently got a new teacher and duly sent him over to Osaka to make the day trip to the embassy. All good so far you may think… but they forgot to check one thing: whether the embassy was actually open on that day. Guess what? They sent him on a Saturday, and the Embassy (like all others in the world) are closed the whole weekend. He had to camp out in Japan for two days with no money just waiting for the place to open again on Monday. Not good. According to a recent WHO survey, Koreans are the WORST drivers in the world with an accident rate of 22.7 per 100,000 drivers. Compare that to say:    - Thailand 19.3    - China 15.6    - UK 5.3    - Sweden 5.2    - France 4.1 Is this because they're homicidal maniacs? Speed freaks? Nah - they are simply SO careless! I've seen numerous occasions where people drive through red lights completely oblivious to those around them (one woman doing her makeup as she went through unaware). While we're on the subject how about: - Signaling right then turning left, apparently so the people coming from your left can see you want to turn! - Turning off your lights at night to save the battery. - They almost never change their oil. - Transport trucks all on retread tires. - Motorbikes with 5 propane tanks strapped on. - Bongo trucks with stuff piled 4 meters high held down with a bungy cord. - Driving on the pavement. Now I've seen all these things and worse in other countries, but Koreans do it sans common sense and thus screw it up all the time - even CHINA is allegedly safer!!! A mad place. My contract stipulates that I have to work 20 days a month, but some months there are more workdays than that - so we get a random day off. Thing is though the boss will never tell us when this day will be - he'll just mumble or ignore the question. Why? God knows - surely arranging things in advance would be better but not here. I'm thinking… Gimme a sec. Other people's examples: Andrew: Some Korean road workers were trying to repair a drain on a road. They had dug up the whole street and sidewalk in the course of their repairs. We walked past and saw them mixing together a huge pile of cement right on the surface of the road. A few hours later, we saw one of the workers hosing half the remaining cement down the same drain. But what about the drain we said? Won't that cement just clog it all back up?

September 2004:

Procrastination

So, yeah… uh…

August 2004:

The Fan of Death!

It's hot tonight. In fact it's pretty much hot all the damn time, and it's gonna get worse. I can survive though because I have air-con and a fan, but apparently there's more to worry about than extortionate electricity bills - yep, having the fan could literally kill me.

Riiiiiiiiiiiight… Well Koreans believe that if you leave the fan on while you sleep then it's gonna be a seriously long nap for you, and a nasty stink to clean up for the building manager. How exactly your grisly demise occurs is a matter of great debate, but rest un-assured that it won't be fun.

The best I can gather from my students is that having a fan on whilst you sleep somehow asphyxiates you by sucking all the air out of the room. How a regular fan sitting on your desk can suck air out of anywhere is the bit I'm most concerned with, you know, logically. A fan just moves air from behind to in front of it, but this little bit of physics is apparently not relevant. So whilst Koreans have various theories to how you're gonna die from a fan, they all agree that you will die if you sleep in a room with a fan. The other teachers and I have the following theory though: Fans and air-con cost money, and a cash strapped family would want to use them as little as possible. The thing is, kids never care about economics and want the things on when it's hot. So, we think parents have been telling their kids that fans will kill you when you sleep, thus frightening them away from using the expensive equipment and not badgering their parents all the time to turn the things on. Over time this has lead to a real belief in adults too, who naturally pass on the warning to their own kids… God know's if this is the reason, but I don't think I'm gonna lose any sleep over it. What a stupid super… super… Uh… superstition… Errrrgh… *cough* Huuurgh… *sigh* … … … For more information on this scourge of the modern world, may I recommend the excellent resource : FanDeath.net

Free talking, aka:

Definition: "Free talking" (n.) - fr tôk-ing = leading a group discussion for 80 minutes on any subject that'll keep the students busy. See also: A bitch of a class to have to do at 7 o'clock in the morning. This is always a tricky class of mine, where I have to think of something for my most advanced students to talk about an hour and a half. It's not easy keeping the flow of discussion going, the topic interesting, and making sure everyone gets a chance to speak. Running a free talking class is fairly similar to having a first date - you have to constantly think of the next interesting thing to say which'll keep the conversation going. You don't really care what the other person says, just as long as you keep the other person talking so you don't have too. (A cynical view of first dates I know, but true I feel of those dates where you don't instantly 'gel' with the other person). It's hard work to do this first thing in the morning and there's plenty of classes I've bounced down discussion lines, taking random tangents just to keep it going. If the class is tired then it can be especially tricky. Sometimes you bump into a hot topic which everyone cares about (booze for example) but some ideas I've brought up have totally tanked (like iPods and the future of the internet). So… do you come here often?

July 2004:

I'm sorry, what time did you say???

Getting up at 5am is no walk in the park. Well, actually it's not too bad as long as you don't think about how early it actually is and just haul your ass outta bed. Before Korea I was known as the worlds worst person at getting up in the morning (any time before midday actually), and most of my friends scoffed at the idea of me even opening an eye so early in the morning, but after a month of it, I can say that I've been pretty successful.

Dog tired!

Having a siesta during the day is essential and I find that the mornings run on autopilot as long as you've got everything ready (ironed your shirts and showered the night before). Getting between me and the coffee machine at work though would be inadvisable and probably quite messy. Getting up early is the price I pay for having a Split-Shift:

Split-shifts

A lot of people warned me against doing split shifts as many teachers go mad from the hours. Personally, much to my surprise as much as anyone else's, I actually enjoy the split shift schedule. I think the early start is worth it; as I get so much more free time during the day to potter about and get things done.

Normal teaching jobs start around 2pm, with most teachers drinking like fish at night and then staying in bed till midday - which can turn into a nasty cycle. I don't drink during the week (a first for me) as I only get 5 hours a night as it is, and this saves both my liver and wallet from breakdown. During the day I get to do my photography, go shopping and go to the gym. I lead a pretty active life - More so than I was ever able to achieve with a normal 9-to-5 office job anyhow. The other bonus is that you only have to do 2 classes in a row (3 hours) then a nice break. So if your classes start to go badly you only have to survive for a maximum of 3 hours. Having to do a full 6 hours of teaching in a row would knock me out - I can see why other teachers drink so much! Generally then, despite the early start, split shifts seems to work for me and I'd certainly recommend the schedule to others.

I'm normal! Well, physically at least. It turns out that I'm not that unfit after all - as I took a test thing at the gym and apparently I'm carrying just a wee bit too much belly, and need a tiny bit more muscle to be healthy. Clearly this is by korean standards so I may still drop dead tomorrow, or actually are western standards higher than korean ones I wonder… I see you baby… One interesting aspect of Korean gym locker rooms and saunas is that clothing is certainly not required. Koreans are surprisingly relaxed about getting naked, and this is something you just have to get used to. It's not east though, as the other Koreans will definitely stare at you. It can be somewhat disconcerting but I guess it makes sense as… <insert obligatory joke about having a fantastically large penis> Seriously though, it doesn't bother me too much, and although I'm hardly an exhibitionist I find it quite liberating as I'm only marginally ashamed of my body (despite a Catholic school education). It's worse for girls though as western women have something Koreans girls don't - boobs. You're guaranteed to get gorked at by the other women, and they can have a habit of telling you things you don't want to hear:

Yu tu fat, wai yu ave so big ass?

This one makes me laugh - I swear every day I hear of another example of the koreans insulting yet another western girl. You see Koreans will say it how they see it - they don't realise that westerners are sensitive when it comes to their appearance (and let's be honest, even Kate Moss probably thinks she's fat). Add to this that the average Korean girl weighs around 50kg (so they say) then any but the teeniest westerner is going to seem gargantuan to them, and they'll happily point this out in hilariously unsubtle ways.

Now tell me the truth: does this hat make my ass look fat?

I've tried explaining to my classes that telling a western girl "that she looks fat and needs to loose weight if she's ever going to get a man" probably won't cheer the girl up much. They'll often say things like "those glasses make your face really ugly", or "you should eat less, your belly wobbles". I swear I nearly wet my pants when I heard those ones. I guess that I'm lucky not to be particularly strange looking, although I am still waiting for someone to say I have strange hair or a big nose or something! Actually I apparently look like a movie star:

Don't you know who I am?

This one caught me by surprise. File this one under the "you all look the same to me" stereotype, but apparently I look like the following film stars (all at the same time):
- George Michael … … … What??! - Tom Cruise … … … I wish - Pierce Brosnan … … … Well I do like Martinis I guess - Orlando Bloom … … … Elfish? Is it the ears?? - Wesley Snipes … … … Okay I made that one up
You get the idea I think. I mean how I can look like all these people at the same time is beyond me. Personally I think I'm more of a Brad Pitt… yeah okay it was worth a try!

Get out the way fool!

This one gets me annoyed depending on what mood I'm in. Basically road vehicles see traffic lights as simple decoration and the colour 'red' is open to interpretation. That bit I'm fine with - this is Asia after all - it's just that if you as a pedestrian have the gall to try and cross the road at any other place other than a zebra crossing then you'll get beeped or shouted at by bikers and cars…
Riiiiiight… so you ran a red light and you're beeping me for crossing the road (the fact that you're miles away from them and in no danger of being hit is beside the point). I really don't understand this one.

Damn Adjumas!

Seoul has a great subway system that gets you around town quickly and cheaply. It can get pretty crowded, but being a head taller than the locals means I don't have to spend my time nuzzled into some guy's armpit unlike my more petite friends have to. Also some of the more perverted Asian customs are rarer (not rare though) here, like the Japanese practice of getting turned on by rubbing up to people on the subway cars.

	Imekuras
	This is a peculiar brand of nightspot in Japan which can contain a mockup subway car (complete with recorded subway noises), the female straphangers that not only don't recoil from your pokes and prods, they await them, invite them, are paid so much an hour to receive them. Better than getting slapped on a real subway I guess.

It's not all roses though, as the whinge-of-the-day will be about how Adjumas behave on the subway.

An Adjuma is a Korean old lady. It actually translates to a woman who has had children, but the one's I'm talking about are the grannies. The problem is they all have a serious god complex and barge everyone out of the way whenever they feel like it. They've got a good low centre of gravity and sharp elbows that they're willing and able to use.

They'll often barge onto trains without letting others off first and generally lord around causing more trouble than the punk-wannabe kids. They're my pet hate about Korea, and when you think about it that says a lot about how much I actually like it here if my biggest woe is bolshy biddies.

General Spiel about…

Living in Korea Korea itself is pretty much what I expected. Seoul itself is a big 'n' busy Asian city much like any other, but I'm impressed that it's probably nicer than most. Now I use the word "nicer" is a very general way here - Seoul still is a dirty, smelly, noisy, overcrowded and maddening place, but just less so than pretty much anywhere in China. It's less busy than Bangkok. It's less polluted than Mexico City (just). It's less dirty than Beijing. It is not however a "beautiful" place, oh no. One of the best things is that nobody messes with you - unlike China where people stare, point and take photos of any passing Whitey, people in Seoul aren't that bothered and leave me alone (generally they don't stare at me - no more so than I'm used to at least) Seoul is a remarkably safe city and going out late at night is safer than practically any other Capital I'd say. Sure, drunk groups of guys are trouble in any city, so you watch out for them, but otherwise I think you have to go looking for trouble round here. The street food is cheap and excellent. Admittedly some of the stalls sell food that looks like the end of a Happy Tree Friends episode (read: major traffic accident for the uninitiated to HTF), but that's culture for you. The Bachelor Pad I live in an area called Sillim - the district with a whole lotta love. Love Motels that is. A Love Motel is pretty much what you think it is, although to be fair they're not all brothels. Many are used by Korean couples for spending "quality time" together. You see people live with their parents until they are married so if you want to have some sweet, sweet lovin' with your partner you need a place to go - Love Motels are the answer. Kinda like American motels I guess, where paying by the hour is normal. So I to get to my apartment you pass maybe 1,734,129 different love motels with their shrouded front entrances and sparkly neon signs. My apartment is an on-suite single room. You could probably