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Tonga is a mostly overlooked destination which is a bit unfair as it is arguably one of the most unspoilt South Pacific destinations, a veritable Polynesian Paradise™ if you will. Additionally it's also "The Land where time begins" - the first country on the planet to see the dawn (the closest west of the dateline).
If you're looking for action you'll be disappointed, but if white sand, turquoise sea and unlimited coconuts is more your style then you'll find heaven here.
Most people in the West have probably heard of the place, but know little or nothing about it, whilst most Aussies and Kiwis can read out lists of Tongans who have played Rugby for their prospective teams. Tongans are not small people you see (note the Big Boss box below the map), but luckily they've got a fair amount of space to spread out - 171 islands in fact.
These islands cover over 700,000 km2 which makes it a real bugger to get around if you don't have a yacht / year to see the place. There'd be worse places to spend your time I guess, although some of those outlying islands might not have heard about the King banning cannibalism…
Before I continue, I should set something straight: I didn't really like the place much. Actually, it's more that I didn't really appreciate my time there - it was my last destination before heading back to blighty after 2½ years and I was itching to get back home. As such, sitting idly on a beach was a bit like being a 7 year old who's been told that they can go to Disneyland tomorrow only if they sit still for the next 24 hours.
Tricky.
With hindsight I can say that the kingdom is unfathomably beautiful if you are a beach person - practically every beach or atoll is worthy of postcard status. Unfortunately I'm more of a rugged mountain type person (in that I like rugged mountains, not that I look like a rugged mountain). Beaches bore me, and after over 2 months in the South Pacific I was a bit tired of sand.
Anyhow apart from my testiness, I do have fond memories of the place. The settlements outside of the Capital are the very definition of idyllic with locals who are friendly and make Jamaicans look hectic.
There's certainly little chance of you getting scammed or robbed in Tonga. Actually, getting anything is pretty tricky:
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Zzzzzzzzzzz… |
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Tongans are not lazy. They're, er… relaxed:
One day up in the Lifuka group I went up to a roadside shack to buy some water. The lady behind the counter was lounging in her chair casually, flapping flies away with a fan, and gave me a quick nod. I asked her for a drink and she gazed over to the fridge.
It was maybe 3 meters from her to the cabinet where cold water and beer could be clearly seen through the glass.
She gave out a quiet sigh and said "Sorry. Sold out".
"Huh? There's water in the fridge just there." I point out.
"Sorry. We're sold out".
I spend a thirsty few seconds looking between her sleepy eyes and the cool refreshing beverages which are further away from me than they are from her.
"Okay, how 'bout I come round and get one of those drinks you don't have and give you the money?"
She mulls this idea over, slowly, then looks to the door which is 2 meters from her slouched ample frame.
"…Sorry. Sold out".
"D'oh!" |
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This relaxed attitude is a pleasant antidote to hectic western life (or the stresses of being an International Playboy) but can cause trouble when you actually need to get things done, like leave the country.
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Where's the Photos? |
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 After slacking for a while I have some photos available:
Or, if you are short on time or patience, why not have a look at my Top 10 Gallery of Tongan photos.
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Big Boss with fries.
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King Taufa'ahau Tupou IV was a big boy. At 201kg he was the worlds heaviest Monarch until he lost an impressive 75kg. He's well into his 80's now and still going strong though.
Tongans on the whole are not a svelte people, but you wouldn't catch me implying this in a insulting manner; Jonah Lomu being one of their more famous exports.
Looking at their diet you'd think the mortality rate should be sky high - deep fried anything washed down with litres of Soda - but their lifestyle is simply so relaxed that their hardened arteries never need deal with stress. If a New Yorker ate their diet they'd be dead at 23!
A quick story: a girl I met working on Nuku'alofa brings a sandwich to work that's made with granary bread. Her Tongan colleagues show interest and try some. Within seconds one has lost a filling and the others complain of jaw pain from having to chew so hard! Tongan food is so soft and mushy that chewing has become a relic of the past.
That said these were the same people who offered her a special cure for flu: Fanta.
Huh? - Well they told her it was healthy, you know, fruit juice. Oh and all the sugar gives you energy too.
The Atkins Diet hasn't yet reached Tonga - now there's a tough market to crack. |
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I did get to see some pretty amazing marine life though. Most days I snorkeled and saw everything from sharks to squid to sea slugs. The scuba diving is world class, especially up in the Vava'u's where I had the chance to swim through a cave system with a school of over 10 reef sharks napping inside. Truly amazing.
On the aquatic theme, I really must mention Mariner's Cave: 
Given Tonga's position in the Pacific, and the plethora of small islands to explore, it's no real surprise that the northern islands are a favourite of the "yachty" clan.
It's a great area to pick up crew work and I was sorely tempted by the idea - sailing the Pacific exploring deserted atolls, watching the sun set into the tropical sea serenaded by dolphins… etc etc. That said, I don't think I meet the requirements most of the yachties look for in their crew: namely long blond hair, pert breasts, and a penchant for fellatio. Que cera.
Remember, there's loads of photos available. See the Photos section at the top of the page!
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Mariner's Cave
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This is a cave in the Nuapapu island named after the first whitey to be shown it (Will Mariner in 1810ish by Chief Finau 'Ulukalala II, fact fans).
It's 14 meters high but the entrance is submerged about a meter under water. It takes guts to dive deep into the blackness of the tunnel entrance, as you have to hold your breath and swim 4 meters through the pitch black until you reach the air pocket.
Once inside the light refracted from outside sparkles magically across the walls. This is only the start of the experience though, for as the swell surges into the cave and the water level rises, all the moisture in the air condenses into a thick fog. It's so thick that you can barely see your hands in front of your face. Then, just as suddenly as it appeared, it vanishes again as the water surges back out again. This cycle happens every few seconds and is very erie
There's a similar cave nearby without the fog but contains large schools of fish hiding in its depths. You can dive deep into their number whilst they spiral around you like a single amorphous organism, flowing with thousands of bodies. Both caves were a wonderfully bizarre experience and certainly improved my free diving skills. Unfortunately the underwater photos I took came out too blurry to save so you'll have to take my word for it about the fish. A little more mystery for you. |
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